i'm sitting on a cold bathroom floor as i write this, with a cat meowing outside the door. my girlfriend is asleep as are the 4 dogs in our bedroom. biscuit is snoring (and so is said girlfriend), of course. my roommates, which i swore i'd never have again, are in the living room talking loudly.
i am entirely alone here. my girlfriend, whom i love very much, and i have little to talk about... i feel trapped. i know that i'm not and i can leave any time but i don't want to leave her. i can't find a job. i haven't looked very hard though but still... i have no job. i need to find one soon or i'm going to lose my fucking mind. i don't know how long i can do this-scratch that- i know exactly how long i can go on this way and that scares me. i'm doing nothing with myself. my past interests, hobbies, passions are just that. past. i don't know who i am any more and i really don't care to look. i feel completely blank and i've felt this way since about 2 years ago. i'm nothing. blank.
i'm facebook, farmville, dlisted. repeat. perhaps throw some current tv in there and some jersey shore. that's me.
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There's nothing wrong with nothing. I'm in my forties and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I've had a bunch of different jobs and hated every one of them. I like to think of myself as bringing down industrial capitalism by not earning money or paying taxes but that's actually bs.
ReplyDeleteI don't know that as you get older you actually get more clarity or whether you just get better at accepting uncertainty. The future ain't what it used to be, might as well accept and enjoy the present for what it is.
Not that you were asking for advice, but I would suggest you avoid the bathroom floor. And check out Alan Watts. He's great.
Bev